lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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