Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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