The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
