I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
