I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Randomize
