My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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