We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
