this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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