When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
