i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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