I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
