Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
