Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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