There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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