Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
