I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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