Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
