youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize