why didn't you poke me back
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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