Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
