I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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