Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
