On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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