Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
