I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
that's an acceptable place to lick
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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