I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
