So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
