I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
