u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
