between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Randomize
