I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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