Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
We have started to decorate penises.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Randomize
