just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Randomize
