my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
