just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
