you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
