I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
