Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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