We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
How external is "for external use only"?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
