My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
