I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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