I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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