Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
