I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize