Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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