good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
