How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
