Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize