We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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