I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
