they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
