I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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