did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
