I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
