yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
