I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
