I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
