Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
